Turning Loneliness Into Aloneness
I remember when I first dared to ask my mother, "Mom, you live such a lonely life. Don't you ever want to divorce Dad?"
She paused for a minute, obviously taken off guard by the bluntness of her young daughter's question. But then she responded very deliberately and lovingly, "Sure, Jeanne, I have for a long time. But I won't."
My mom, although not a Christian, knew the serious consequences of allowing loneliness, even the most aching loneliness, to make decisions in her life. Years later, after she had accepted Christ, I thanked her for her unselfish handling of her loneliness. She certainly could have bailed out. After all, for years my father had done very little emotional need meeting. He was a poor listener. The only times I remember him being much of a companion to my mother was when he was drunk. My mom knew that a woman of integrity had to deal with the crippling pain of extended loneliness. A woman either handles loneliness or loneliness handles her.
Many years have passed since that memorable conversation with my mom in our kitchen. As a pastor's wife and woman in the ministry for over four decades, I understand the paralyzing impact of loneliness like I never dreamed possible and I have had to develop my own means of coping with loneliness. Apart from that, I question that my personal life and ministry would be what the Lord has allowed it to become.
Some might find it difficult to believe that loneliness could be a factor in my life. After all, you might think, she has a great husband, incredible sons, and a ministry with hundreds of teenagers and youth pastors who think the world of her. Besides that, she is always smiling or laughing.
That is all true, but for me, happiness has never been an emotion, but rather, a choice. Proverbs 4:23 cautions, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." I have had to "guard my heart" and face loneliness at some of the most unlikely times.
I remember a time when I had nearly 100 excited teenagers crowded into our medium-sized home for dinner. We had a great time, complete with a clogged toilet that overflowed and left 2 inches of water on my bathroom floor. Yet when the house cleared, I had cleaned up and finally crashed on the couch at 2 a.m., I felt the aching sensation of loneliness deep inside. It is not a sensation unfamiliar to me. It can come right after I have shared with a youth convention of 5,000 energetic teenagers or when I am alone in my laundry room, trying to separate the colors from the whites. Penetrating loneliness can find all of us; and if allowed, it can quickly wrap its tentacles of self-pity and depression around our hearts in a very paralyzing fashion. How do I handle loneliness?
I learned to recognize loneliness as God's cry for friendship time with me. Have you ever stopped to realize that our Heavenly Father must experience loneliness too? After all, we are created in His image. Far too often we use Him more than love Him. We allow Him to become more of a business associate than a Father. I have come to recognize feelings of loneliness as the Father's reminder that He has feelings too, and that He misses me. It has been said, "Loneliness becomes my friend when it forces me to draw companionship from the living God that I would otherwise like to draw from another human being." If I recognize the purpose behind pain, I can more easily respond correctly to it.
I remember when I first dared to ask my mother, "Mom, you live such a lonely life. Don't you ever want to divorce Dad?"
She paused for a minute, obviously taken off guard by the bluntness of her young daughter's question. But then she responded very deliberately and lovingly, "Sure, Jeanne, I have for a long time. But I won't."
My mom, although not a Christian, knew the serious consequences of allowing loneliness, even the most aching loneliness, to make decisions in her life. Years later, after she had accepted Christ, I thanked her for her unselfish handling of her loneliness. She certainly could have bailed out. After all, for years my father had done very little emotional need meeting. He was a poor listener. The only times I remember him being much of a companion to my mother was when he was drunk. My mom knew that a woman of integrity had to deal with the crippling pain of extended loneliness. A woman either handles loneliness or loneliness handles her.
Many years have passed since that memorable conversation with my mom in our kitchen. As a pastor's wife and woman in the ministry for over four decades, I understand the paralyzing impact of loneliness like I never dreamed possible and I have had to develop my own means of coping with loneliness. Apart from that, I question that my personal life and ministry would be what the Lord has allowed it to become.
Some might find it difficult to believe that loneliness could be a factor in my life. After all, you might think, she has a great husband, incredible sons, and a ministry with hundreds of teenagers and youth pastors who think the world of her. Besides that, she is always smiling or laughing.
That is all true, but for me, happiness has never been an emotion, but rather, a choice. Proverbs 4:23 cautions, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." I have had to "guard my heart" and face loneliness at some of the most unlikely times.
I remember a time when I had nearly 100 excited teenagers crowded into our medium-sized home for dinner. We had a great time, complete with a clogged toilet that overflowed and left 2 inches of water on my bathroom floor. Yet when the house cleared, I had cleaned up and finally crashed on the couch at 2 a.m., I felt the aching sensation of loneliness deep inside. It is not a sensation unfamiliar to me. It can come right after I have shared with a youth convention of 5,000 energetic teenagers or when I am alone in my laundry room, trying to separate the colors from the whites. Penetrating loneliness can find all of us; and if allowed, it can quickly wrap its tentacles of self-pity and depression around our hearts in a very paralyzing fashion. How do I handle loneliness?
I learned to recognize loneliness as God's cry for friendship time with me. Have you ever stopped to realize that our Heavenly Father must experience loneliness too? After all, we are created in His image. Far too often we use Him more than love Him. We allow Him to become more of a business associate than a Father. I have come to recognize feelings of loneliness as the Father's reminder that He has feelings too, and that He misses me. It has been said, "Loneliness becomes my friend when it forces me to draw companionship from the living God that I would otherwise like to draw from another human being." If I recognize the purpose behind pain, I can more easily respond correctly to it.
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Lesson #29 - In a youth ministry world most focused on God's acts, choose personally to be focused on God's ways...becoming a student of God's character.
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Lovingly,
